If I were to leave this world tonight

Disclaimer – This poem is really dark and should not be read lightly.  For Alex who could not be here to read this.

If I were to leave this world tonight

Release my grip that has been holding tight

To things that don’t matter any more

The forever sleep I must score

Don’t cry or hate or tell funny stories

I wont be remembered by my former glories

It all seems so fruitless

Work, play, drinking, fucking – what a mess

It shouldn’t be so challenging

To find something that has any meaning

So why bother when all is never going to change

To try and fail, fail and try – no matter how you rearrange

Those same old issues will always be there

Filling you with terrible despair

You might as well chuck it all in

For in the end you know that you can never win

There are times when I feel pretty crummy and I write, it helps me cope with the heavy stuff. Now that I have vented I feel more centered. If only it were that easy for everybody.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine I went to school with committed suicide. He was found in the cab of his pickup with a bottle of booze and a handgun. Clearly he had some issues that he felt could not be overcome.I wish that he had called the hotline, any hotline that could have helped him through his tough times.

I think about him pretty often actually. He called every couple of months, I remember he would always start off each call the same way, “Hey Kraft, how’re you doing?” He called me Kraft since we were in school, said I was the cheesiest. He and I worked together briefly after we graduated. That hadn’t worked out and he had a series of job that took him from Washington state to Texas. Ultimately he joined the Navy where he could enter above starting rank because of his degree and he would have a steady job and possibly learn a new trade.

Last I heard he was off the coast of Florida I believe when he decided to end his life. I can’t possibly imagine how things got to be so bad for him that he felt like there was no help or escape or that things could never be good again. I wish there was something I could have done more to help. Unless you have been there I don’t think there could be any way for me to know what he was going through to help. That is why there are professionals to help. I remember I would answer his “Kraft” comment with “Hey Scoundrel, how’re you doing?” He was always hitting on some young women and telling me about it. I would sigh and hear what he had to say.

I never thought that my ball-busting would be interpreted as personal judgments. Maybe he thought I meant them for real. I still feel guilty to this day that I wasn’t a better friend, one who listened more attentively, one that was more real or honest and told him things from the heart that made you feel like he wasn’t in it alone and that he could call me ANYTIME to talk if he needed to.

I do not advocate suicide. If you are feeling like you might take your own life, please seek help. Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 – National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are also a ton of other places that can offer assistance.

More to come….

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2 Responses to If I were to leave this world tonight

  1. Anna says:

    I do not know what you went through and what you are still going through. I cannot imagine what you feel, I don’t think anybody can who hasn’t gone through a similar experience and all of the what ifs. You will probably always feel a bit of emptiness for your friend. If there is anything I can do for you let me know. Mom


    • Thanks for the reply and the encouragement. I have had several people tell me either not to write this sort of thing or that it sounded like I was a 13 year old goth girl, whatever than means.
      I guess the long and short of it is that no one really knows how to deal with a given situation until it happens to them, say someone committing suicide. For me it was cathartic to write something dark and release it as opposed to letting it well up inside me.
      I don’t think there is wrong or write, I do think that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to cope. I am not sure which I have chosen. Until I hear otherwise I will continue to cope in my own way.
      Thanks for the comment mom.


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